Exit Stag Right/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW I'm sure you've all seen these fancy lawn torches for outdoor parties or for when the county shuts off your electricity or to use as a reading lamp when you're sleeping outside, and your wife has given you a dr. Phil book. But those things cost money, and they don't throw much light. So I'm thinking this is a chance to do the same job cheaper and better, using something you already have... Like, say, a bird bath. You don't even have to empty it first because the gasoline will float on top of the water, and the best part is when the party's over, the gasoline will just burn down to the water and put itself out. I don't see a downside. [ cheers and applause ] thank you very much. Thank you very much. Appreciate it. Big, big week up at the lodge this week. Harold asked a girl to marry him a while ago, and she said yes and we're all waiting for her to change her mind -- you know, buyer's remorse. Well, it doesn't seem to be happening, so I guess we're going to have a wedding. Audience: Whoo! Yeah, sad to see a girl as desperate as harold. But the bunch of us are planning to have a surprise stag for him. We've got a few kegs on order, a ton of fireworks and about 400 cheap cigars. We've even got a couple of those lady dancers that find every room too warm for clothing. Uncle red! Uncle red! What's going on? Something's going on. I know when something's going on. [ cheers and applause ] yeah, I know when something's going on, right? What's going on? Harold, nothing's going on. I knew it. I knew it. I knew it! Are you going to do something nice for me, because that never works out too well. Let's just say that I might be working on a little something that'll knock your socks off. [ shuddering ] oh, uncle red, this is crazy. Are you kidding me? Are you kidding me? I'm not kidding you, harold. It's a party. It's a party, isn't it? It's a party. Maybe. Maybe. So you're having like a massive blowout stag for me, uncle red? My lips are sealed. Get out! Get out! Oh, you're having a party for me. Is this going e the best night of my life? Well, let's hope not, harold, you've got a wedding coming up. It's time for the possum lodge word game! [ cheers and applause ] and today's winner receives 5,000 gallons of natural spring water from mercury creek, delivery and container not included. Okay, well cover your ears, ed. Red, you've got 30 seconds to get ed frid to say this word... Yeah, all right, dalton. And go! Okay, ed, as an animal control officer, this is something you always want between yourself and an animal... Distance. No, okay, no. This is something you and your pet share... Oh, heartworm. Okay, no. No, okay, okay. When you spend a lot of time with your pet you end up with a permanent... Scar. All right, let's forget about animals. Let's think about women. Can you think about women? Always. Okay, okay. This is something you want. It involves a woman and it rhymes with pond... Blonde. No, no, no. This is something you want to do with a woman... You can't think of anything? Well, nothing that rhymes with pond. Time's almost up, red. Okay, okay, let's try this. Shaken not stirred, what does that sound like? My self-esteem. Okay, uhh, no. Okay, okay. What do you think of when I say double-o seven? My net worth. But that's what happens when you buy junk bonds. There we go! There you go. It's time for the experts portion of the show, where we examine those three little words men find so hard to say... Audience: I don't know! Those are the three. Okay, here's our letter. "dear experts, "I recently suffered a heart attack "and am wondering what I need to do "to prevent another one. Well, I would suggest asking your doctor rather than writing into a show that uses duct tape. Doctors are idiots. "my doctor says I need to exercise and eat healthy." there, see, "exercise and eat healthy." c'mon... And this is from the guy who's had five heart attacks. Well, no, really just one, red, the others were false alarms. The second one was just angina and the other three were just onions. See, diet is important. I mean, I think you're supposed to eat a lot of organic fruits and vegetables and oat bran and roughage. No, no, I would never eat anything called roughage. See, I had a doctor that tried to put me on that high fibre stuff, you know. What he didn't take into consideration, I live in a house with a wife, seven daughters and one bathroom. Good thing we've got a big back yard. Call me. [ applause ] well, I think a little bit of exercise is good. I heard that somewhere. Well, yeah, yeah. I mean, as long as you just don't go overboard, you know. I'll tell you what I do. When I go out for breakfast, I angle up when I pull in to the drive-thru so I'm about three feet away. So what I got to do is I got to stretch right out way over like this, and then I'm fully extended before I can grab the donuts, right. So it's very good for your cardiovascular health. Okay, I think our viewer needs to consult a nutritionist and a doctor... And probably a psychiatrist if you're going to take advice from these guys. If you have a heart attack and you got to phone 911, make sure you ask for roger. He's a great ambulance driver, okay. He's always got a couple of jokes, and if you ask, he'll take off your oxygen and let you have a smoke. [ applause ] three dollars and seventy-five cents. Three dollars and seventy-five cents. I can buy a '74 dart for less than that. What ever happened to value? Oh sure, they call chocolate "mocha dream" now, that doesn't make it worth $3.75. This isn't right. I can't just eat a $3.75 cone. I'm going to save it for our anniversary. Well, what can the average person do to fight crazy prices? How would I know? I'm not average. You ever looked inside an ice cream maker? If you watch this show, you probably have. And you've noticed, it looks exactly like the inside of a washing machine. You have your automatic mixing tool and your freely standing mixing chamber. I figure at $3.75 a cone, I can churn up around 80 grand worth of ice cream. That's a lot of tutti-frutti. Okay, step one... Line the machine with a layer of ice. Correction, line the machine with a layer of chopped ice. Okay, I've got all the tiny chunks of ice wrapped around the drum. I used vanilla ice because that's made for "rapping." speaking of agitators, it's time to put this one back in. It's important to keep the ice cream stirred up; otherwise, you could end up with all the oily fat at the bottom, like moose thompson. Next, you add the sugar which, again, is real cheap. In fact, if you're smart, you can get sugar for free. Now you pour in whole milk just the way it came out of bossie. You know what they say, if you're getting the milk for free... $3.75 for an ice cream cone. Again, this is pure, fresh milk not homogenized or pasteurized or sanitized or scrutinized, the fresher the better. I would have hung a cow over the machine, but I didn't trust the ceiling joists. Okay, now we just add a dash of salt... Okay, maybe more than a dash. That was kind of a hundred-yard dash. No problem. Now, you just pick a flavour. My favourite flavour is butter pecan, but ve raspberries. This shouldn't take long, you know what fruit's like. [ timer rings ] that dinging noise means it's time to put the flavouring in. [ timer ringing ] oh man, that looks good. I'm going to put the ice cream into these old chicken buckets. They're cardboard so I couldn't wash them, but I aired them out pretty good. If the flavour does soak through I'll call it raspberry rooster. $3.75. $7.50. More than $7.50. Now, if you're watching your weight, eat the ice cream out of a bowl instead of a cone. That way there's no carbs. I was wondering where that sock went to. Well, I'll just change the name to raspberry sock-hopper or footi-tutti. Could have been worse, could have been jockey road. I want to talk to you older guys about all those coins you've been accumulating over the last 50 years of so. Anybody who says, "men don't like change," has never reached in to an old guy's pants. The amount of silver in a man's home is directly proportional to the amount of silver in his hair. Your change is everywhere, isn't it, eh? Overflowing out of that pickle jar on the dresser, trapped between the crevices of the couch, trapped between the crevices of you lying on the couch. Your pockets are so weighed down by quarters, nickels and dimes, when you climb into the car you sound like a slot machine paying out. So I think it's time for you to roll all those coins up, take them to the bank and cash them in for folding money. It's lighter, it's quieter and it'll force you to make much better decisions when you don't have a coin to flip. Remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together. [ applause ] anncr: Sewage... The final frontier. Winston: Scotty, I need more suction on this sewage tank. Scotty: I canna give her any more, captain, she's gonna blow! Anncr: To boldly go where everyone has gone before... [ applause ] well, harold's stag is really coming together. We got the beer. We got the pickled eggs. We got the exhaust fans. Harold still hasn't figured out exactly what's happening but once he sees those dancers getting lighter by the minute, I think he'll catch on. Uncle red. Yeah? I have to talk to you about the stag. Well, I don't think this is a very good time, harold, you know. Oh no, it's okay. Bonnie's on-side with this whole thing. Oh yeah, yeah, I'm completely fine with everything, mr. Green. I think my pookie is a very lucky man to have an uncle like you. Family hug! What? This is like a meeting of nerd's anonymous. No, and knowing you as well as I do, I figure you haven't invited anybody yet so bonnie and I have a list of suggested guests. Hmm-mm, some of those people never thought I'd get married! I went through kind of an unattractive phase. [ snort laughs ] wait a sec., that says adele on there. Adele's a girl's name, isn't it? Oh, adele is my cousin, she has to be there. Yeah but a stag is only for guys, see. Really? 'cause I heard there were going to be women there. You know, we were so impressed with that. We really were. You know, we were very impressed with that, you know, you being enlightened and all that sort of stuff. That was really great. You're not doing that cliché stuff, you know booze and strippers and... Oh no, oh no, no, no. So we thought maybe we could turn it into a stag and doe. Yeah, yeah and include all of the people we care about, the great aunts and uncles and all of the grandparents on both sides. I have a huge family. We're excellent breeders. [ laughter ] you know, there's a problem here. The lodge really isn't big enough to handle all these people. Oh, all taken care of, uncle red. We've already rented the basement of the baptist church. Party! Party! Red: The guys came down to the beach looking for me. We were all going to do a little bit of sailing today. Couldn't find me, I was having a little break, and I had decided that we could have a sailboat race and they said, "let's do that." and I figured mike could be my partner and the other two could work together. And they did that thing, I'm not really a high-fiver, myself. Winston had a sextant in his pants, I guess that's how you pronounce it, a centre board and a couple of hats. And I wouldn't put that on my head, but I'm not his partner. And, you know, mike is -- here again I don't have a lot of the camaraderie, the team spirit thing. So anyway, dalton and winston go over to their boat, and they're going to get that thing ready. Dalton has a balance problem in every way. Mike just throws his shoes in, and I just kind of pass them on. So I'm thinking mike could just, kind of, push us off and we're good. The other two had more -- wanted to do things together and... Go get your boat. Meanwhile, mike is -- c'mon mike, c'mon on. Go to the side and he's working on her pretty good there and meanwhile these guys are tipping her over. Now, when a sailboat goes over, the mast'll come down and mike can't quite figure out what's going on and then suddenly he wasn't there anymore. So I thought, well to heck with it, you know, he's just extra weight anyway. I'll go ahead and I can probably one-man it. So dalton and winston get their sail all rigged and the race is on. I'm making -- I'm making headway, they're not really getting anywhere. So, I go up to the -- there's a marker buoy at one end of the lake and I go around the marker buoy because he was just sitting still, and I come back the other way and they still haven't moved. They can't quite figure out what's going -- what they're doing is they're looking for the wind, and they're looking down and everything, but if they would just take a moment out of their busy day and look up they'd get a sense of why the boat is not catching as much air as it should be. So now they've got the problem of how they're going to get mike off there. Winston gets an idea. He figures if he tips it over just as my boat's coming by, they could drop mike right into my boat and somehow win the race. So they time it and over he goes. And right through the hull. Thank you, mike. Lunch is now being served on the poop deck. Last year, bernice's mother stayed with us for a couple of weeks. Then when she left, as a thank-you, she gave us one of these grilling machines. They're supposed to help you lose weight. I didn't think it would work but then she left so in a way, I lost 165 pounds of unsightly fat right then and there. But for the lodge I need something with a little more surface area 'cause the guys have a lot more surface area. Lucky for me the dry cleaners down the street went out of business and left this old steam press machine behind. Now, I don't want to press the clothes, I want to press the flesh. Now, the trick to these grills that reduce fat content, if that's what you're in to, is for the unit to slant forward so that the juices will run off. All's you got to do there is prop the back up. I recommend using a vegetarian cookbook. It's not just for hiding anymore. Okay, next you're going to want some kind of trough to catch the fat in front here. I suggest something with little more capacity than this. Oh, there we go. Now, this is a grill and to any real man, you can't have a grill without a hood ornament. Now, you can actually eat the same brand you drive. Put the hot cars in the middle and the cool, rare ones close to the outside edges. [ sizzling ] oh, I almost forgot. I got this trough slanted so that the stuff doesn't actually go to waste, it goes into this steam iron. That'll come in real handy if you want to give your meat that final touch up. You know, a little extra juice. Oh my... What was that, telling people to go home? You don't tell people to go home when you're hosting a party. I didn't tell people to go home. You grabbed the microphone and said, "well, that's enough of that, drive safely." what was that, a public service announcement? It was getting late. 8:30, 8:30's late? Well, harold, in a baptist church, 8:30 is like midnight. We were all having fun. We were not, harold! You were over in the corner with bonnie's family talking over childhood memories and playing, "who am I." the rest of us were sitting at the bar drinking shirley temples and playing, "why are we here?" okay, all right, I acknowledge that, you know, stags were different in your day. Yes, they were, harold. You know, you had strippers and gambling and the groom would end up in the hospital with alcohol poisoning. Were you at my stag? No! Uncle red, this may be a shock to you, but bonnie and I, we don't see that as fun. No, no, I know. I'm mainly upset about having to cancel those strippers. You know, I'm just worried about those beautiful women, you know, they're intelligent and they had great bodies, you know, and -- just try not to think about them. I can't help myself, harold. [ possum squealing ] meeting time. Yeah, you go ahead, I'll be right down. Okay. Oh, if my wife is watching, you may have heard something that you weren't supposed to hear. So let me just say that my stag was way more fun than harold's because right after it, I got to marry you. Was that good enough or should I pick up some flowers? And to the rest of you, thanks for watching. On behalf of myself and harold and the whole gang up here at possum lodge, keep your stick on the ice. [ cheers and applause ] okay, guys, come on in. Everybody sit down. Sit down. Grab a seat. Down in the back, there. All rise! Quando omni flunkus moritati. Red: Sit down. Bow your heads for the man's prayer. I'm a man, but I can change if I have to... I guess. All right, men, harold's stag is a clear message that things have changed. It's a new reality and it's right and it's fair and we've all just got to accept it. But it also means that the stags we had were better than they'll ever be again. [ cheer ] now, if we could only remember them. Closed captioning performed by intercaption canada www.Intercaption.Com